What If Your Hardest Moments Are the Key to Your Greatness?
What If Your Hardest Moments Are the Key to Your Greatness?
The Stories We Hide Are Often Our Superpowers
We’ve all had them—those moments that leave us breathless, broken, and questioning everything. The stories we often try to hide, downplay, or wish we could forget. But what if those very experiences are the ones that hold the blueprint for our deepest strength?
In this week’s episode of The Amanda Kaufman Show, I sat down with the incredible Dr. Charleanea Arellano—a psychologist, board-certified coach, speaker, and leadership alchemist—who brings more than 30 years of expertise in healing, empowerment, and transformation. Her story is powerful. Her insights? Nothing short of transformational.
From Pain to Power: Dr. Charleanea’s Journey
Dr. Charleanea doesn’t just coach people through adversity—she’s lived it. As a child, she endured emotional, physical, and sexual abuse. She faced neglect, abandonment, and grew up in an environment where her basic needs were not met. Yet instead of letting that pain define her, she reclaimed her story and turned it into her power.
“What I consider as my strengths and my personal gifts have come directly from the adverse experiences that I've had as a child and early in life.”
The Call to Own Your Story
That sentence struck me deeply. Because so many high achievers—and I know you’re one of them—struggle silently with imposter syndrome, self-doubt, and the constant pressure to prove themselves. But what if the things you think disqualify you are actually your greatest qualifications?
Dr. Charleanea teaches that true self-empowerment starts when we own our stories—the good, the bad, and the parts we’ve been taught to silence. It’s in that ownership that healing begins. And not just healing for the sake of feeling better—but healing that leads to clarity, wisdom, and aligned action.
Finding Wisdom Beneath the Surface
She described it like this: imagine the surface of the ocean. It’s chaotic—waves crashing, birds flying, all this activity. But when you go underwater? Stillness. Calm. Depth. That’s where your inner wisdom lives.
“When you go into this place of a deeper wisdom, it's almost like being underwater… There’s a calmness. And when you stay there, wisdom will come up.”
And let me tell you—it’s that kind of wisdom that cuts through the noise. Not the ego, not the shoulds, not the comparison traps we fall into when we scroll Instagram and think everyone else has it all figured out. Your calm inner knowing is your compass.
Stillness Is a Strength, Not a Luxury
Now, I know what you might be thinking: That sounds amazing, Amanda, but who has time for that?
Dr. Charleanea hears it all the time. Especially from high-achieving women who are constantly on the go, taking care of everyone else, crushing goals, and barely pausing to breathe. And that’s exactly the point.
You don’t need an hour of silence on a mountaintop. Sometimes, 10 seconds of stillness is enough to shift everything.
Start With Awareness, Not Perfection
Dr. Charleanea teaches her clients to begin by reconnecting with their body. Not by meditating perfectly or journaling for an hour, but by asking simple questions: What do I feel? Where is the tension? What do I notice? That’s the gateway to self-awareness. And self-awareness is the foundation of self-trust.
“When our focus is outward, there’s no anchor… But when you slow down and go inward, that’s where your true power lives.”
That’s a game changer—because so many of us have been trained to look outside ourselves for validation, guidance, and worth. But no one knows you like you do. You are the expert on your life, and your story matters.
The Truth About Imposter Syndrome
One of the things I love most about Dr. Charleanea’s work is her approach to imposter syndrome. She doesn’t just help people “cope” with it—she helps them dissolve it. Not by changing the outside world, but by shifting the inner narrative.
It’s not about proving you belong—it’s about remembering that you always did.
“There’s not a single soul on this earth like you. So why would you rely on someone else’s blueprint to live your life?”
Final Thoughts: The Power Was Always Yours
So here’s what I want you to take away from this:
Your pain does not disqualify you—it prepares you.
Slowing down isn’t a luxury—it’s a necessity.
You don’t need to be fixed—you need to be reconnected.
If this conversation resonated with you, please take a moment to reflect:
What story have you been afraid to own? What wisdom might be waiting beneath the surface?
And if you’re ready to go deeper, listen to the full conversation with Dr. Charleanea Arellano on this week’s episode of The Amanda Kaufman Show. It’s one you don’t want to miss.
Chapters List
00:00 Introduction to Dr. Charlena Arellano
01:44 The Journey of Self-Empowerment
04:08 Navigating Adversity and Finding Strength
08:54 The Importance of Inner Wisdom
13:45 The Cost of Urgency and Externalization
16:37 Helping High Achievers Trust Themselves
20:32 Resources and Closing Thoughts
Full Transcript
Dr. Charleanea Arellano (00:00)
it doesn't matter what hand you're dealt. as a matter of fact, sometimes a bad hand actually leads to wonderful gifts.
Amanda Kaufman (00:23)
Well, hey, hey, welcome back to another episode of the Amanda Kaufman show. And this episode I am so excited for because Dr. Charleanea Arellano and you know what? I'm so sorry. Can you say it for everybody so that I'm not saying it wrong?
Dr. Charleanea Arellano (00:41)
Absolutely, it's Dr. Charleanea Arellano
Amanda Kaufman (00:44)
Ariano, okay, I was close, I was close. But my friend, Dr. Charleanea Arellano is a psychologist, board certified coach, leadership alchemist, I love that, an inspirational speaker and author with over 30 years of experience in helping individuals step into their power. Her career spans academia, clinical practice, and private coaching where she bridges psychology, spirituality, self-empowerment.
She's the author of Terrible Gifts, Finding the Light in the Darkest of Places, a deeply personal exploration of healing and growth. I'm so excited to have you here on the show, Dr. Charlena. You know, we've had a chance to spend some time together in a few different networking and connection circles, and I've just been so curious about your story and what has brought you to where you are today. So why don't you catch us up on who you love to work with, how you love to help.
and what you're focusing on these days.
Dr. Charleanea Arellano (01:44)
Those are big questions. Well, I'll tell you what my work is really centered around. My work is centered, I mean, there's different ways in which I work. Like I said, you've said, I'm a public speaker. I do workshops. I do one-on-one coaching. I do group coaching. And I have a blog and a podcast. And really, the theme or the focal point of all of these things that I do in which I serve the...
or the population is all about self-empowerment. And particularly self-empowerment at the core of self-empowerment is owning our stories. And my movement around these ownership really kind of reflects even my own personal journey. So not just my professional journey in terms of how I serve others, but I'll say I'm right there with my clients in terms of my own journey and recognizing the ways in which I have navigated
through the world and I've disowned parts of myself because I believed that they were not palatable or acceptable or they kept me from feeling like I belonged or fit in and what I realized with my own journey of healing was that healing really came from reclaiming these parts that I might have been ashamed of or I didn't want people to know about and anybody who knows me
and knows my personal story, you know, I came from a background, childhood background of quite a bit of adversity. was abused emotionally, physically, sexually, neglected, abandoned, and I just didn't get my needs met. As a child, I wasn't supported, I wasn't protected. And of course, if you look at anybody going through something like that statistically, you know, we always have these outcomes that we
think about. Usually people like myself, you know, end up getting pregnant early because they're looking for love or they get involved with drugs because they're trying to numb the pain. And I am a real life example of it, of basically it doesn't matter what hand you're dealt. You know, you can be dealt a quote, a bad hand. And also as a matter of fact, sometimes a bad hand actually leads to wonderful gifts.
I think about who I am and who I serve and how I serve. And I will tell you that what
consider as my strengths and my personal gifts have come directly from the adverse experiences that I've had as a child and early in life.
Amanda Kaufman (04:08)
Yes, I mean what a powerful perspective to bring because it's so I think it is very easy for somebody to say wow You know I wasn't I wasn't dealt the right hand or I wasn't born in the right place or to the right family Or you know I think that's very relatable. I think I think a lot of people could really Really connect with that so talk to me a little bit about these these these power
powerful moments that we can access even in moments of diversity. Like what might that look like for someone?
Dr. Charleanea Arellano (04:40)
really important is I think we're and I'm only going to focus on the American culture because that's all the experience I have. So I want to make this really clear. I understand that other cultures may have a different experience. So we're speaking about what it means to be growing up in the United States. And what I believe that we have done as a culture is that our focus tends to be outward. And I think even more so now with the advent of social media, like I don't want to age myself too much,
but there was a time when there were three TV channels and things were closed and there was no cell phones and there weren't voicemails and there weren't computers. And what I've come to appreciate about that time was that there were times, there was forced time to go within. And our sense of personal power is within us. It's not outside of us. And what I find in today's world is that everybody's attention is drawn outward and they're looking for
answers outside of us. We're looking for answers that somebody else is going to give us. know, what's going to be the next greatest thing, that kind of stuff. And what it does is it takes us away from our own internal wisdom, our own internal compass. And so how do you get back to that? It's funny. I have a lot of my clients say, I don't get it. I don't understand. What do you mean you go within? They're really puzzled by that. And what I find, Amanda, is that we are in a place of two
much noise, way too much noise, way too much stimulation. And we have forgotten, we have forgotten how to be still and to be quiet and to go inside and listen to the voice that's inside of us. Now I'm not talking to the voice up here because the voice up here can can say some some not so wonderful things. We've got that inner critic. We have the ego telling us how we're doing it wrong or how we might die or those kinds of things. I'm talking about a deeper wisdom. And, you know, when we
slow down and really pay attention, we almost innately know that when we really want to tap into deeper wisdom, we go deep. We go deep into our core, and we try to quiet our mind, and we listen. And there's this very, very confident, calm, compassionate voice that will come through and guide you.
Amanda Kaufman (06:57)
You know, I love this and you know, what's what's so funny is I'm as I'm listening to you explain this. First of all, yes, absolutely. So much noise. And and I think about that all the time when I'm, you know, promoting my business and doing the show and like doing all the things I'm like, I'm adding to the noise. But but I'm also like, hmm, higher quality noise. Right. There's going to be lots of noise. So we got to we got to some quality noise out there. But even like in the coaching space, you know, I founded the coaches plaza and I worked with a lot of coaches.
Dr. Charleanea Arellano (07:16)
you
Amanda Kaufman (07:25)
That whole tendency towards externalization is so prevalent that even in really conscious spaces, it can sometimes feel like there's this competition over consciousness. know, and it's like, you know, I'm more conscious than you, or I'm more developed than you, or I'm more virtuous than you. And it's like, wait, hang on a second. The second you start making it about comparison,
Dr. Charleanea Arellano (07:37)
Hahaha
Amanda Kaufman (07:49)
you are by definition externalizing, right? Like you're not actually internalizing that experience of your spirituality or your peace or whatever that is that you're pursuing even in our space, which I just I find that amusing. And it's also just like something to really reflect on and think about. It's like as you I've actually named it. I call it personal development awareness guilt because very often that comparison, that externalization of what should be or how things ought to be.
It's based on an Instagram template. It's not based on that wisdom that you're talking about and that more internal knowing. What would you say to someone who perhaps has experienced a lot of the noise, but maybe they've never heard that internal voice. Maybe they are not trusting of an inner wisdom necessarily because maybe they've never slowed down really to consider it and they're having a hard time perhaps.
parsing between this is noise from society or this is noise from my background or this is, you know, how do you know it's you versus the noise?
Dr. Charleanea Arellano (08:54)
people that may be listening that are like, have no idea what she's talking about or what is the first step to even doing it because their conditioning and their sphere of reality never makes room for that. And it's interesting because some people even get a little anxious about the idea. Like, what do you mean I have to be quiet? What do you mean? Really? Is there really going to be a voice? And how do I know if it's the right voice? it can be amusing and we can laugh at ourselves.
in this kind of way. And so one of the things that I often tell my clients as a first step is learning how to just be in their body. Many of us are not in our bodies. Our focus, our senses are externally out. You know, they're focusing on the outer world and the idea of bringing them in feels really foreign. So this idea of being able to key into or listening to a deeper wisdom just feels really foreign. So a lot of times what I will do with my clients is I'll say, let's start with your body.
close your eyes and get into your body. Tell me what you notice about your body. Are there any sensations? Does your foot hurt? Are you getting pins and needles in your feet? Or do you feel the throbbing in your knee? Or do you feel warmth on your back? Or do you feel your back against the couch or whatever? It's the idea of creating awareness. And that's the first step. And so sometimes that's something that's reachable to somebody. It's like, I can actually feel, I can feel sensation in my body.
they do that is they're opening the door to a very important tool. And that tool is called self-awareness. And when we build that self-awareness muscle, then we can graduate. And it's not that we give up on these things because they build on each other. When we develop some self-awareness, we are in our body, we fill our body, then what we can do is we can imagine, let me take my awareness up into my head. And what does that feel like? I'm up here. What does that feel like? What do I notice about it?
What happens if I take my awareness to my throat? Or what happens if I take my awareness to my heart or my gut? Like what happens? What do I notice? Like do I notice sensations? Do I notice feelings coming up? Are there words coming up? And you can play with it. And what you'll find is the way that you can discern between voices is typically if we are in our head, if we're in our ego, if we're in all the shoulds or what people think or what we think we're supposed to be doing, there will always be this twin.
of urgency. There's this twinge of, my God, my God, my God. You know, there's a little bit of that. And that's how you know you're in your head. When you go into this place of a deeper wisdom, it's almost like being underwater. You know, you think about, think about the ocean, for example. On top of the ocean, you have a lot of movement, right? You have waves and you have, you know, seagulls and you see fish coming out. But when you go underwater,
There is a calmness. And it's very similar for us. We go underwater and there's this calmness. And when you just stay there for a little bit, you would actually be very surprised that things will come up. There will be wisdom there. And the way that you can tell the difference is when you're in that deeper wisdom, there's a sense of peace. There really is. There's a sense of peace. There's a sense of everything's okay. I'm okay.
And there's a reassurance and a calmness. feels very good. And so that's how you can tell the difference. And that's how you can begin that practice.
Amanda Kaufman (12:22)
I that. I love that. that finer distinction, especially around like, you know, you got it when you feel okay. You know, like when you're when you're when you feel safe, you don't feel like there's all this judgment. You know, there's been some really interesting studies that have come out more recently around social media use and how it's affecting our emotional health, but also our tendency towards judgment and comparison.
and that social media is causing us to become more judgmental and to live in this land of comparison. And what you were describing there, I'm like, wow, you're not comparing to anything there. There's just radical presence. You're totally present with that moment. Time can pass as it does, and we're not in a rush. I love that. That's such a great distinction. And here's what came up.
is I'm like, you know, just working with a lot of coaches, working with a lot of business owners, high performers, high achievers. I can tell you right now, they all think that's a luxury. That it's this luxury to slow down. It's this luxury to take the space. And so then they defer on it. So, you know, like,
Because it does take time, doesn't it? It does take some intention to actually do the thing, so to make the space. So what do you see as signals that someone really, really ought to consider taking that time?
Dr. Charleanea Arellano (13:45)
You
I it's a great question, Amanda, and I totally get it. And believe me, I'm going to raise my hand. I am a high achiever. I am that person that's on the go, go, go, go, and there's not time to rest. am that person, and so I need to work with my own tendencies here. And what I would say to that is a couple of things. One is there's actually a cost to more of that kind of frenetic, urgent, anxious energy. You're not very efficient, and you're actually not very
effective. And I think when you actually practice it, when because the other thing is, you know, I'm not talking about sitting down with your legs crossed and your fingers, you know, and the ohm sign and sitting there for 20, 40, 50, 60 minutes. I'm not saying that all sometimes presence can happen in 10 seconds. And and so, you know, I think it's important, you know, to think about, you know, do you do you want to be in your car going down every street corner wondering where you're going, you know, going in circles or ending up in the same
spot, that's what happens when we're coming from that place of urgency and I got to go, I got to go, I got to do, I got to do. When we're in that more centered wise place, we have a direct line to where we're going. And so in some ways, when people say, well, I don't have the luxury, something to consider is what is it costing you in terms of effectiveness and efficiency when you don't dip into that deeper wisdom?
So that's a different way of looking at it. Because I'm sure we've all been in the place where we're anxious and frenetic, and we're going after this, and we're going after that, and we're going after this. And then when we have a time to slow down and reflect, we're like, wow, I actually wasted a lot of time. Or boy, that wasn't really a good decision. Or wow, that wasn't really aligned with what I was trying to do. And so to look at it from a perspective of actually getting in touch with that deeper wisdom actually hits you on the
the trajectory of more efficiency.
Amanda Kaufman (15:44)
You know, it really reminds me of so many things that we focus on in high performance and achievement, which is, you know, very often the cost of these things is not that moment, you know, that minute you didn't slow down or that day you skipped the meditation. That's not where the cost is. The cost is in the accumulation of the habit. And, you know, it's the same thing with your nutrition, same thing with your sleep, same thing with your movement. It's like...
one day is probably not going to make or break your performance, but if your routine is rooted in avoiding this slowdown and avoiding presence, then that is really a recipe for challenge and trouble. Yeah, absolutely. So I'm so curious, like when you work with someone, what's your first go-to place that you like to go with the people that you like to work with?
to help them to access this inner knowing and start to unpack some of the powerful things that they can really be doing. What do you do kind of first day of school when you work with someone?
Dr. Charleanea Arellano (16:49)
Great question, Amanda. You know, I will tell you that most of the people that I work with, there is a pattern to what I see. And you know, I'm working with high achieving kind of badass women. You know, these are very successful people in leadership roles and doing really well. And they look great on the outside. And what I find when I meet with them is usually the first line of business is to help them get out of their own way. So for example, it doesn't matter how successful they
are. What I'm really struck by is how laden they are with self-doubt.
You know the imposter syndrome stuff not trusting themselves not believing in themselves So it doesn't matter how successful you are a lot of times you're going down this journey of success with a hundred or a ton back the weight and your backpack that you're carrying around and so what I first and foremost do is help them slow down and really trust themselves like you know again when our focus
outward. First of all, when our focus is outward, we all know how fickle the world is. Look at social media, something that is really going on one, it can happen in one day. One day there's something that's taking off, the next day it's something totally different. And so if you're following that, there's no anchor. There's really no anchor. And when you're feeling unsteady, what comes with feeling unsteady is a lack of trust. And then when you have a lack of trust, you go into this place of self-doubt. Well, did I do it wrong or am I thinking
about this wrong or did I say the wrong thing or am I doing the wrong thing? And it takes a person out of their own wisdom, their own power, their own sense of, got this. And so first and foremost, what I try to help my clients do is shift their perspective. know, you know, for example, I don't know how many conversations I've had with, with different clients who say, well, you know, I don't belong at this table. I'm not smart enough, or I don't
have enough education or I haven't been trained enough or I haven't had this or that and the first thing I'll do with them is say let's look at this from a different perspective. I want you to tell me why you do belong at that table. Tell me what you have.
that makes it, that makes a good reason for you to be there. And not only that, but what is it that you might have that somebody else doesn't have to contribute? One of the things that I think about is that many of us are looking outside of ourselves to figure out what the right answer is, right? And when you really think about it, there's not a single soul in this earth, on this earth that is like us. So there's no owner's manual that's going to work for us other than our own. We are the expert.
of ourselves and our experience. And so to defer that to somebody else just doesn't make any sense. It's like having an owner's manual to, you know, it's like having the toaster's owner's manual for, you know, your TV. It's not going to work. And a lot of us rely on that. So first and foremost, what I do with my clients is I first of all, I get them to slow down. I get them out of that place of urgency. I get them out of that place of ego where they're questioning themselves so much. And I get them into the place of
Well, why not? Why not you? And to have him start thinking about that.
Amanda Kaufman (20:08)
I really love that. And I mean, we could do a whole episode on imposter syndrome and maybe we will one day. But like, if you even really think about imposter syndrome, it is by its very nature, just that externalization again, and assigning basically power to everybody else who is in the room and then reflecting back PS all in your own head, all in your own judgment, that that you don't belong there.
Dr. Charleanea Arellano (20:11)
Mm.
Amanda Kaufman (20:32)
And, you know, so one of my greatest breakthroughs with imposter syndrome was simply deciding it didn't exist. Now, that may not work for everyone, but for me, it was super helpful because I was like, wait a second, I'm the one that's determining that I'm an imposter. So I can't be an imposter because I'm not hearing the rejection from other people. And P.S., even if I heard rejection from other people,
I was invited into the room. Like I don't want, I'm like a vampire. I won't go in unless I'm invited anyway. Right. So, you know, I just, yeah, I could talk about that one all day, but, sadly, sadly these are short episodes. So we won't be able to do that topic today. However, if someone was really interested in keeping up with you, finding out about your podcast, all the good things, where should they go?
Dr. Charleanea Arellano (21:04)
You
Well, they have a number of options. I have a podcast that's called She Is Mother, and we talk about these kinds of things. As a matter of fact, we're doing a 90-day challenge about owning your story and what that means and how we get in stories and being able to tell if a story is serving us or not serving us. So they can follow me on my podcast, She Is Mother, or they can follow my blog, which is called Un-Shrinking, and you can find that on Substack, or you can find it on my website, and you can find me on my website.
at www.DrCharleanea.com and that is C-H-A-R-L-E-A-N-E-A.com.
Amanda Kaufman (21:54)
I love it, it's so good. And we'll make sure to have all those links for you, dear listener, in the show notes. Dr. Charlena, this was an outstanding conversation. Thank you so much for spending some time with me today.
I love it. And dear listener, if this was awesome for you too, make sure you hit that subscribe button before you go anywhere so you don't miss another episode. And I am so confident you know at least three people who would have really benefited.
from hearing this conversation today. So go ahead and grab the link and forward the episode, however you're listening to it, to your friends. could be a text, could be a DM, but make sure that they get a chance to listen to this episode as well. And finally, if you're loving the Amanda Kaufman show and you want to support us, the best way that you can do it is leaving a honest review. So you can leave a review anywhere that you are watching or listening to this episode. And you taking that 30 seconds to do that means the world because it allows other people to determine
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